The pen's in my hand…ending unplanned.

Vision Board

It’s 2017! A new year.  A new start.  This is the time I always get the itch to do a Vision Board.  I spend a bunch of time on Pinterest getting ideas.  I think a lot about what I might want on board, but then I never end up doing one.  I’m curious what could possibly come to fruition by having such a board, though, that I really think I might do one.

Which leads me to my next point….what’s a good way to do one?  Some have them on poster board and display them at home.  I’m thinking that I might want mine to be mobile so I can take it with me where I go that way I can stay on track. So I’ve been thinking of using a SmashBook.  I have one already, but haven’t cracked it open.

What are you thoughts on an actual Vision Board vs. a Mobile Smashbook?  Positives and negatives to both.

Please feel free to share what you’ve done.  I’m always collecting ideas…and hoping one day to put those ideas into motion.

Here’s to a good 2017!

Xoxo, Velvet

A Love Like No Other

Since my last post, I’ve heard from DBag several times. The last time he said he missed me and wished he had me back. Hmmm… no thanks! Luckily, I have hindsight and know what to expect there. It isn’t anything like what I currently have. And what I currently have is a love I’ve never felt in my life.

I’ve been dating a man for almost 9 months now. I’m in total bliss.  I, often times, have to pinch myself to make sure this is real. I’ve been through so many bad relationships so I can spot a good one when I see one.

I’m head over heels in love, so much so, I find myself aching to make sure I show him how much. I wake up daily making sure I have done at least one thing to help him, show him, thank him or all the above. Most of the time I’ve been selfish in relationships. This time it’s complete and utter selflessness on both our parts.

I keep waiting, however, for something bad to happen…the other shoe to drop. This type of love has always eluded me so what’s so different now?

It’s so hard to put the negative thoughts out of my head. Trying not to think this is too good to be true. I always knew I deserved a love like this, and I believed it was out there. And I have it. So why am I sabotaging it with these negative thoughts?

Luckily my guy gets where I come from and has been totally accepting of my craziness at times. He’s patient, kind, and understanding through all my madness. For that, I am so thankful.

I’m blessed beyond words with all that I have, including my love. For the first time in my adult life, I can finally breathe and feel completely at peace in my own skin. I have so many blessings to be thankful for.

Everything is exactly as I want it to be in every aspect of my life. I could even make a case for saying it’s absolute perfection. I am also realistic and know that perfection isn’t attainable or the feeling of such is sustainable. I am, however, gonna hold onto this feeling for as long as possible and deal with any obstacle that comes my way…with an awesome partner by my side.

Love

7/19 Pt. 3

I’m sorry for leaving you hanging all is time. I debated for the longest time whether I wanted to finish the saga. Just reliving it and writing about it made me shaky and anxious. Definitely not therapeutic for me. I’ve always been told that I should write about my dating stories because no one would believe what I’ve been through.  While I believed that was a good idea at the time perhaps there are some stories that should remain untold. I don’t know. I’m still on the fence. Anyways, enough time has passed that I finally feel comfortable telling the rest of the story.

So I thought we were on an episode of cheaters. That this wasn’t my life. Well, sadly it was my life and I was just cheated on.

We walked around town. I kept asking him the same questions over and over. Questions he didn’t have answers to. The more we walked the more he tried to get away. The more he tried to get away the more I wanted to keep chasing him. I don’t know why. He wasn’t worth my steps, my anger, or my tears. It ended with someone getting pushed and hit in the face. That person was not me.  Let me say this…I do not condone violence. I do not feel that anyone deserves to be hit. I’ve never hit anyone in my life nor do I ever intend to. My anger got the best of me and this 5’5 girl pushed and hit a 6’4 cheater.

Hitting him was the last straw and he asked me to leave. I did, but after I had apologized over and over for hitting him. I kept wondering if he would wise up and still come with me on the trip. Looking back now, it was stupid of me to want him to apologize and still come on the trip.

He didn’t show his face. I went to Walmart in a daze and picked up the stuff we needed to make our sandwiches. Things we were gonna get together. I kept looking for him to show up. He didn’t.

As I was getting packed for the trip, I kept hoping he would show up. Looking back, it was foolish and stupid. He never showed. I ended up going to Cedar Point and having a blast without him. I had to sit my friends down and explain to them what happened which was a bit uncomfortable. They were super understanding and supportive. I expected nothing less. There were a few weepy moments, but I made it through and made it a trip we will never forget.

Needless to say my ex realized the error of his ways and tried a few times to get me back. I let him have one more chance but too much had happened, and there was no going back. He has been kicked to the curb.

I’m happy to report that there’s a new man in my life. We’ve been together for 8 months and he is like no other.  I’ve never been treated so special ever in my life. I’ve also never felt like this before. This time it is different. It’s real, and it feels so damn good. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life.

Because I’m so happy and have started a new chapter in my life, I’ve wondered about whether I should finish this story. Obviously I decided to finish it since I always finish what I start, but because it is important to get this finished and have closure. I’m happy to report that after writing this one, I’m not shaky or anxious. It feels good to close that chapter of my life.

I will say this. I had gut feelings about this guy from the start. I ignored my gut. I urge you, ladies, don’t ignore your gut! It could have saved me a lot of heartache. I think the common theme in my bad relationships was not listening to my gut or intuition. Never again!

 

7/19 Pt. 2

“Where are you going?” I shouted.

“I’m going to find her,” he said.

“Find her? Really? Why?”

“She doesn’t deserve this,” he said.

“Oh really?  She doesn’t deserve this? Do I deserve this?”

No Answer.

Meanwhile, we are walking all over town.  He’s 6’2. I’m 5’5. It took me double steps to keep up with him in the heat of July. I was sweating buckets.  He was a babbling fool, not making sense.

“I told you on the phone the last time we talked that we weren’t together,” he said.

“Oh really?  Who were you talking to because it certainly wasn’t me?”

“So, I am going on a weekend trip with someone who I’m ‘not together with.’ ” Ok. Sure. Not!

“I thought we were going as friends,” he said. Ummmmm….

“What about when you said that I was the one for you. That you loved me. That you only wanted to be with me.  You said this last week and within a week, you already have a date with someone else. Why?”

“Will you Stop!?” she shouted.

I didn’t stop. I kept on going. We went round and round with the same questions…questions that had no answers.

I was duped. I had been played. He had been caught and didn’t have any answers.

I was hurt, confused, and in disbelief. I thought I wasn’t living my life.  This doesn’t happen to me. This is like an episode of Cheaters. I don’t belong on an episode of cheaters.

This isn’t my life!

to be continued….

7/19 Pt. 1

It was a Thursday night and I was preparing for the long weekend.  A group of us were going to Cedar Point in Sandusky, Ohio for the weekend.  It took months to plan and I never thought the day would come, but it was only one day away.  My boyfriend (back when we first started talking…before our first date) said he always wanted to get a group of friends together and go.  This was, in a way, a gift to him to do something he’d always wanted to do, but I can’t entirely say that this wasn’t for me too. I love roller coasters.  I become a kid again at an amusement park.  So, this was for the both of us.

The group of friends were mine.  My boyfriend didn’t have many friends so I tried my best to integrate him into my life and my friendships.  We were all busy making plans, talking about which rides we were most excited about, what we’d do on the ride there, etc.  It seemed like a perfect way to get way, become  a closer group of friends, and have some fun.  Hindsight is 20/20 for sure, but I must say that in my mind I couldn’t quite place my boyfriend at Cedar Point.  Call it a gut feeling. Call it intuition.  I had a gut feeling that something was going to happen.  Something did indeed happen alright…something that had me saying “this can’t be my life. This can’t be happening to me.”

I had texted my boyfriend earlier in the evening around 6 to tell him to bring mayo for the sandwiches I needed to make for the trip.  We had planned to save money and we were all bringing a lunch item so we wouldn’t have to stop for lunch. He didn’t answer my text.  I figured he might be napping or busy packing so I didn’t put much stock into it.  An hour passed and no response still.  He knew we still needed to go to Walmart because he had texted earlier in the AM about what chips to bring. I told him we’d figure it out when we went to Walmart together.  Around 8, I dropped my dog off at the dog sitters and started to get concerned.  Why hadn’t he answered my text?  I ended up calling him. No answer. I called about 4 more times…still no answer.  It didn’t go straight to voice mail so I knew it wasn’t turned off.

At about 10:00 and no phone call and no text back, I started to get worried. I headed to his house which is 30 minutes away from where I live.  I’m thinking the worst hoping there wasn’t something wrong with him or his kids.  I said many prayers on my way there. I looked to make sure there weren’t any cars over in the ditch or any accidents.  I just couldn’t fathom what could have happened.  I got there at 10:30 and his car wasn’t parked in it’s usual spot.  His apartment was dark.  No one was there. I started talking to myself saying “what should I do?” over and over again.  Miraculously I had an idea.

I decided to head downtown and parked to see if he might be having a drink in the local bar. I didn’t know his town at all. In fact, all I knew how to do was get to his place.  I remembered seeing a place called Aggies open on the square so I was going to head towards that way.  I went around the back and parked in a spot I remember us parking in when we ate at a local Chinese restaurant.  Ironically, I parked right beside his car.  I got out of my Jeep and looked into his car to see if his phone was charging, which would explain why he hasn’t received my phone calls or texts.  There was no phone. Starting to wonder what in the heck was going on, I took off walking. I got to Aggies and I looked in the window. I saw him.  His back was to me.  I spotted him right away because of his balding head. I tilted my head more to the left and noticed he was with someone… a girl. They were sitting pretty close, laughing, and looking pretty intimate.

I headed in and bee lined straight for them.  I went to the side of the bar to where I’m positioned right in front of them and I asked “What are you doing?”  She said, “Having a drink.” I said, “Oh, really?  Is this a date?”  She said “Well, we did have dinner together.”  I said, “Oh really?”  Meanwhile my boyfriend was just sitting there like no big deal.  He didn’t have a dear in headlights look.  He didn’t have any look.  I took off walking and then turned around knowing that I’m just not gonna leave them there to finish their date. I went back and said “I’m his girlfriend.  We are going to Cedar Point and spending the weekend together.”  Her mouth just dropped and she yelled my boyfriend’s name in disgust.  It was at that point that I knew what I was just witnessing.  This was a date. Her reaction said it all.  There was no wondering now.  She promptly stood up and walked out. I followed her and asked how many times they’ve seen each other.  She said just once. I told her that I’m not mad at her, but I AM pissed at him.

Meanwhile cheater boyfriend was taking off out the back door.  Escaping? Trying to get away? I literally sprinted through the bar to the back door to catch up with him.  This boy was not going to get away.  This boy was BUSTED!

To be continued…

Distance

Lyrics:

The sun is filling up the room and I can hear you dreaming
Do you feel the way I do, right now?
I wish we would just give up
‘Cause the best part is falling, call it anything but love

And I will make sure to keep my distance
Say “I love you” when you’re not listening
And how long can we keep this up, up, up?

Please don’t stand so close to me, I’m having trouble breathing
I’m afraid of what you’ll see, right now
I’ll give you everything I am
All my broken heartbeats until I know you’ll understand

And I will make sure to keep my distance
Say “I love you” when you’re not listening
And how long can we keep this up, up, up?

And I keep waiting for you to take me
You keep waiting to say what we have

So I’ll make sure to keep my distance
Say “I love you” when you’re not listening
And how long can we keep this up, up, up?

Make sure to keep my distance
Say “I love you” when you’re not listening
How long till we call this love, love, love?

 

Racing

So many thoughts are racing through my head.

Thinking about how horrible the past 2 months have been.

How I’ve had to completely push my needs aside to tend to you.

As each day passes, I see a glimmer of hope in your tone of voice, your laugh, the words you use…

Your personality is starting to shine through.

The blank page staring into the distance is being replaced with a human face that shows emotion.

I know this journey will take some time. I know there will be bumps, but can’t you see them too?

Why is it me that sees boundaries being crossed? Why is it me thinking about concrete examples of when a boundary will be crossed?

Why aren’t you thinking about these things? Why aren’t you preparing yourself?

Is it because you don’t want to?

It’s been hard being the strong one. I’ve struggled privately. You will never know.

I just want you back. All of you…