Down in the Dumps

Bless me father for I have sinned. It’s been 6 months since my last post. Woah! Six months?

I will say this – I’m so glad to see 2011 go bye-bye.  Don’t let the door hit you on the way out 2011.  I was dumped not once, but twice in 2011.  I’ve declared 2012 as a dump free zone. The only one who is going to be doing the dumping is me.

I’ve been in therapy figuring out what’s wrong with me, trying to fix it, trying to get over the heartbreaks, just working on me.  I’m finally past the heartbreak and am now dealing with things that have been on the back burner.  I love therapy. It’s relaxing, and it’s nice to have a third party sounding board.

I’ve started going to church. I was raised in the church, sang in the church, played the piano in my church, went to youth group, Sunday school, etc.  During my 20’s, I lost touch with God, religion, and everything associated with it. I was trying to come into my own, living with my boyfriend (living in sin?), working on my career and well, there was no time for God. So, I stopped going. In a weird way, my breakups have served as a passage way to get back in touch with God again. Praying daily (sometimes hourly in my times of trials) to get me through the day without falling apart from total devastation helped draw me closer to God.

I’ve found that as each relationship has run its course, the same patterns emerge. Through therapy and church, I’ve figured out these patterns and will do my best not to repeat them. Things I’ve learned: I lose myself in the relationship, I lose touch with friends, I lose sight of my faith, and I become all about the guy.  Well, no more!

After three months single…and loving it.  Not dating anyone. Hanging out with my girls. Hanging out with my guy friends. Doing things I have never done before (painting). Doing things I haven’t done since Jr. High (Roller Skating). Being ok, comfortable, and totally happy to be alone and have me time.  Can you believe I finally feel comfortable with going to a bookstore alone and enjoying a cup of tea while I journal all by my lonesome?  Yeah, its fun.  There’s no one to impress. No one to talk to.  And it is fantastic!  It finally feels good to be comfortable in my own skin. Took me long enough, but I know that I don’t NEED anyone else to be happy.  It is no longer a need, but a want.

I’m trying to relax a bit more and try not to think about the ticking clock.  Do I want to be married and settled down? Absolutely! Do I want to have the opportunity to have a child? Absolutely! I’m trying not to panic and to just live more in the moment.  I know I need to enjoy the now because this is exactly where God wants me to be.

I have put myself back up on the dating websites, but haven’t actively dated anyone from there.  My friend set me up with someone recently and it went well. We’re in that phase where you’ve went out a few times and you are playing the dating game. I must say that I hate this part. I just want to do away with the games and be like “If you like me, tell me, and I’ll do the same.” I guess it doesn’t work that way. I guess I need to learn because I’m not very good at this game. All I know is that right now, I’ve thrown my hands up in the air and have put God in charge. He knows who I should be with and will bring him to me one way or another. Right now, I’m enjoying myself, my life, and the person that I am. I’m so very blessed!

Happy 2012 Everyone!