Down in the Dumps

Bless me father for I have sinned. It’s been 6 months since my last post. Woah! Six months?

I will say this – I’m so glad to see 2011 go bye-bye.  Don’t let the door hit you on the way out 2011.  I was dumped not once, but twice in 2011.  I’ve declared 2012 as a dump free zone. The only one who is going to be doing the dumping is me.

I’ve been in therapy figuring out what’s wrong with me, trying to fix it, trying to get over the heartbreaks, just working on me.  I’m finally past the heartbreak and am now dealing with things that have been on the back burner.  I love therapy. It’s relaxing, and it’s nice to have a third party sounding board.

I’ve started going to church. I was raised in the church, sang in the church, played the piano in my church, went to youth group, Sunday school, etc.  During my 20′s, I lost touch with God, religion, and everything associated with it. I was trying to come into my own, living with my boyfriend (living in sin?), working on my career and well, there was no time for God. So, I stopped going. In a weird way, my breakups have served as a passage way to get back in touch with God again. Praying daily (sometimes hourly in my times of trials) to get me through the day without falling apart from total devastation helped draw me closer to God.

I’ve found that as each relationship has run its course, the same patterns emerge. Through therapy and church, I’ve figured out these patterns and will do my best not to repeat them. Things I’ve learned: I lose myself in the relationship, I lose touch with friends, I lose sight of my faith, and I become all about the guy.  Well, no more!

After three months single…and loving it.  Not dating anyone. Hanging out with my girls. Hanging out with my guy friends. Doing things I have never done before (painting). Doing things I haven’t done since Jr. High (Roller Skating). Being ok, comfortable, and totally happy to be alone and have me time.  Can you believe I finally feel comfortable with going to a bookstore alone and enjoying a cup of tea while I journal all by my lonesome?  Yeah, its fun.  There’s no one to impress. No one to talk to.  And it is fantastic!  It finally feels good to be comfortable in my own skin. Took me long enough, but I know that I don’t NEED anyone else to be happy.  It is no longer a need, but a want.

I’m trying to relax a bit more and try not to think about the ticking clock.  Do I want to be married and settled down? Absolutely! Do I want to have the opportunity to have a child? Absolutely! I’m trying not to panic and to just live more in the moment.  I know I need to enjoy the now because this is exactly where God wants me to be.

I have put myself back up on the dating websites, but haven’t actively dated anyone from there.  My friend set me up with someone recently and it went well. We’re in that phase where you’ve went out a few times and you are playing the dating game. I must say that I hate this part. I just want to do away with the games and be like “If you like me, tell me, and I’ll do the same.” I guess it doesn’t work that way. I guess I need to learn because I’m not very good at this game. All I know is that right now, I’ve thrown my hands up in the air and have put God in charge. He knows who I should be with and will bring him to me one way or another. Right now, I’m enjoying myself, my life, and the person that I am. I’m so very blessed!

Happy 2012 Everyone!

Thoughts

I’ve been thinking a lot lately.  Here are some thoughts in random order.

• I’m too pretty to be fat (not meant to be conceited at all).
• If I’m fat that means I’m out of control. I’m always in control, which is a contradiction.
• I’m not fat…yet!
• I can’t seem to get myself out of the funk I’m in.
• I hate working out.
• I hate bangs unless they are sweeped to the side.
• I love fatty, greasy, sugar filled foods.
• My body hates those foods.
• I love the Bachelorette.
• I love So you Think You can Dance.
• I’m in love and can see myself taking the next steps.
• I’m not scared of the next steps.
• I’m extremely happy in most areas of my life.
• Fitness/Heath isn’t one of those areas.
• Seems like my life is always out of balance in one way or another.
• There’s a girl who has bangs (which I hate) that is doing something I’ve always wanted to do.
• I’m jealous of her.
• I hate her bangs.
• I think she’s ugly not just on the outside, but inside too.
• She stole from me once.
• I couldn’t be her friend after that.
• I’m most happy when I’m with friends/family or crafting.
• If I could, I’d craft all day long every day.
• I’m constantly putting everyone’s wants/needs above my own.
• It usually involves doing what they want instead of going to the gym to work on me.
• Just found out someone I went to high school with is a convicted child molester.
• Not sure how I feel about that…except for creepy.
• My brother/sis-in-law/niece/nephew moved 3 hours away. I’m sad.
• How does one become in love with working out?
• Why isn’t the need/want/desire to look good enough to work out?
• My new favorite blog: www.sexliesandbacon.com
• I wish I was disciplined enough to do this.
• My new favorite website: www.postsecret.com
• My favorite summer manicure:

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Photo Montage

Do you ever listen to a song and think “this would be great in a photo montage?”

I do.

All the time.

I want a photo montage at my wedding.

And one at the reception.

I’m a photo montage freak, I think.

Anyways, I love this so much. I’d love a photo montage of it showing pics of me and my guy. What do you think? Can you see this song set to pics?

Lessons

So… I haven’t seen J in 6 months. I haven’t talked to him in 5 months. That includes no texting. I ran into him at a local event over the weekend. I had a feeling he would be there and I was right.  He was with a girl.

I could tell this is a first or second date because they looked awkward and they weren’t touching or holding hands which was in stark contrast to me and my bf. We were holding hands and had our arms around each other.

I couldn’t help but look at the other girl and compare. I mean, what girl wouldn’t do this, right?  I immediately started judging comparing her to me.  She was shorter. She was redheaded (I’m dirty blond although not natural). I’m tan and she’s pale. I’m pretty and she…. well… wasn’t. She also had very fat hefty thighs. I felt pretty confident in saying that he traded down.

At first it was ruining my good time.  I wanted him to not look happy. I wanted him to look miserable and see me and realize, damn, I made a mistake. I wanted him to see me and be like “Damn, she’s hot! I made a huge mistake!” Then it became all about trying to spot him in the crowd and less about me enjoying myself at the event with my wonderful, amazing boyfriend.

At one point, we came face to face. Me standing with my boyfriend and him and hefty thighs (although I”m pretty sure she had no clue who I was).  I stuck my nose up and pretended to look above him. I’m not sure what he did because I didn’t look at him in the face. After that, I felt fine. I started enjoying the event and my boyfriend.

A concert took place and it happened to be 80′s hair band music which I thoroughly enjoy. I was surrounded by wonderful friends and my awesome boyfriend drinking wine and listening to my kind of music. I lost myself in it and finally released it all. I released the lingering thoughts of “what if” and wondering what he thought about me, etc. I just enjoyed myself.

After the concert, my boyfriend and I, arm in arm, were walking around the event and ran into him and his friends. His back was to us, but instead of being rude like I was earlier, I waved at his friends and mouthed the word hi. My bf and I walked off and left it all behind. Of course he probably didn’t see me since his back was to me, but at least his friends know that I’m still friendly.

I know that this shouldn’t be the case, but we are still Facebook Friends. Neither one of us have the nerve (I guess) to remove one another as friends. There were still photos where he was tagged. I noticed today he untagged himself. I’m glad. It just provides even more closure. I wish I could say that I wish him well, but I’m not there yet. I think he’s a D-bag coward of a man. He’s a liar and an Asshat!  I wish him to be miserable and have karma come back around and bite him in the ass. LOL! “Saying” that out loud makes me giggle a bit.

In the end, though, I’m very happy with my life, who I’m with…everything.  A friend of mine told me after my breakup that God must have someone very, very special for me and it will just take me being patient. I feel I’ve found that.  I know what I was supposed to get from my relationship with J.  I’m not going to lie when I say he taught me how I should be treated. Yeah it ended badly, but still… I saw a glimpse of how a woman was supposed to be treated by her man.  It just wasn’t him that was supposed to be there with me in the end. That’s ok. That doesn’t mean I don’t still think he’s a D-bag coward of man, a liar, and an asshat… cause I still think that.

I occasionally will still wonder why he let me go because it really didn’t provide much closure. I’m hoping that one day I will not have those thoughts any longer. I am hoping that as more and more time passes I will stop thinking about him altogether. It’s just hard when there wasn’t much closure or a reason why.  If someone tells you “You are awesome, the perfect girlfriend, you are everything I could want in a woman” yet still let you go, how does that make sense? How does that provide closure?  He did say that he had a gut feeling and something felt off. So, am I just supposed to take that as my why and close the book?  I still don’t understand it all.

Maybe I’m not supposed to. Maybe that in itself is my lesson.

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What I’ve been up to…

Wow, the last time I blogged was May 17? Crazy.  Been so incredibly busy.  Here’s what I’ve been up to…

My new favorite show is The Voice. I watched a few of the shows then let about 4 or 5 episodes build up on my DVR. I’ve been watching a marathon of that as of late. I will be caught up tonight. The talent on this show is so damn good. I’m addicted. I also love the big stars who coach the talent. Loveit!

I’ve been on a bikini countdown body makeover. I kind of slacked the first month, now I’m in serious mode. That includes eating clean and working out. I recently got back into interval running and I realized how I’ve missed it and how rewarding it is.  I’ve found that I can go longer distances if I do the interval running because I’m varying my speeds and not going full force 100% of the time. Plus, interval running is better for you at burning calories and fat. So, I’m sticking with it. I will be doing mucho cardio this month to lose an extra 20lbs I put on this last year.

I’ve been crafting. I love arts and crafts. I’m pretty good at them too. During my blogging hiatus, I was making Velvet Milano Jeweled Trucker Hats which are being sold on etsy.com and ebay.com. I made a few for friends to wear for the Derby. I made one for myself too and have gotten so many compliments when I wear it, that I thought I’d try my hand at selling them.  I haven’t sold one yet, but I’m optimistic. Surely someone wants a Velvet Milano original jeweled trucker hat. Right?  They come in many colors. The front and center part of the hat can be left blank if you prefer.

I’ve also made some wall art out of 99 cent wooden frames I got at Michaels, some craft paint, and scrapbook paper.  I think they turned out pretty good, don’t you?  It was a pretty cheap craft project and I think the results turned out fantastic. Not sure if you can tell by the pictures, but the scrap paper is different textures and looks, but consistency has been maintained by using variations of red.

Work has picked up and I’ve been asked to take on more responsibility at work. I’m excited about the possibilities.

I’ve been spending lots of time with my boyfriend. We’ve been to Chicago and San Francisco.  I’m very happy and in love. All that pain I went through with my breakup was worth it to get to this point. I can’t believe I’m saying that because at the time, it was the lowest point of my life. I have figured out what I was supposed to learn from my relationship with J.  Yeah the way he dumped me out of the blue at the end was uncalled for and pretty shitty, but the beginning and middle were pretty amazing. He showed me how I should be treated and how a boyfriend should be. Going through the breakup, I thought I wouldn’t find anyone as great as him, but I was wrong. I found someone even better. I’m treated like a princess and I’m so incredibly grateful, blessed and lucky!

I’ve been taking this incredible and extremely yummy fish oil supplement. Yeah, I said fish oil and yummy in the same sentence. Can’t believe it, can you? Well, this stuff comes in different flavors and man oh man is it like eating dessert. My favorite flavors are Strawberry/Banana and Mango/Peach.  A benefit of this is improvement in hair, skin, and nails.  There are so many other benefits too that I won’t get into, but my nails are insane. They are so gorgeous and long right now. I’ve been having fun painting them. Right now I have a light pink on them and without even trying they look like french tips.  Pictured are actual french tips that I did myself.  My nails are even longer than what was in the picture. That was taken a few weeks ago. My right pinky is pretty long that I’m considering cutting it down a bit. I don’t want them to get scary long.

I went to the Indy 500 Race this year. It was the 100th anniversary and it was a blast. I always get goosebumps at the opening ceremonies and traditions. We have season tickets and sit in the same seats every year. We are across from the pits in the Pagoda.  They are awesome seats.  I love the month of May because it is race time, but also because it is my b-day.

Yeah I had a b-day. I turned 34. My bf flew me to San Francisco to celebrate. Ok, we didn’t just celebrate my bday, we met up with his family and celebrated his twin aunts 50th b-day, but I wanted it to be all about me, so he flew me there to celebrate my bday. ha!  It was a total blast and I didn’t want to leave. We were only there for 3 days and it just wasn’t enough time. I definitely want to go back and it’s awesome since his family lives there.  The last time I was in San Fran was in kindergarten. It’s funny that I actually have memories of being there at the age of 5. Pictures also help.  I can’t wait to go back.

I’ve been having fun with my beaver. I’ll go into more about that later on. heehee!

And lastly and the most important, I wanted to post this by itself, but I’ll just add it on here.  My prayers are going out to the Lauren Spierer family. She’s missing and police suspect foul play was involved.  Things like this just don’t happen in this small town. I generally feel safe on the streets of Bloomington, but now my feeling of security has been compromised and I truly don’t feel safe. Today will be a full week since she’s disappeared. It doesn’t look good. I’m still praying and hoping for her safe return.  If anyone knows anything, please come forward. Her family, friends, and community just want her back safe and sound.

That’s been my life in a nutshell. What have you all been up to? Btw, I saw my first lightning bug tonight. Makes me so happy – summer’s here!

B Word, C Word & PMDD

I hate the B Word. Rhymes with witch.

I hate the C Word. Rhymes with runt.

I think no woman should be called either word. I realize that the C-word is a much more derogatory word than the B-word, but I still think no woman should ever be called either.  That is unless I refer to my girls as my biatches, then that’s ok.

I was called the B Word this weekend by someone who supposedly loves me. I told him to apologize to me and he did, but said that I was acting like it still.  That made the apology null and void at that point. Guys just don’t get it.

So, I had an incredibly bad weekend. It was getting to be that time of the month.  I usually have PMS a few days if not a week before my starting day. I usually warn my close peeps of this because I get irritated and annoyed. I can’t hide it nor can I control it. I don’t care what any man says – it can’t be controlled.  This weekend was no different, but the PMS was on steriods. I swear I had PMDD this weekend.  I can count only 2 times where I’ve had PMS so bad to where I thought it was PMDD. One time involved me slamming a door on an ex boyfriend and cussing while doing it. The second time happened this weekend.

I was dealing with someone who was acting like a big baby because he wasn’t going to make it home in time to play his online game with his online friends.  Apparently they make play dates that are called raves. I call it ridiculous. He was giving me attitude. Our plan was to go to Bed, Bath, & Beyond to look for shower stuff and wall art. He is decorating his apartment and wanted my help.  I don’t know how many times I told him why we were going to Bed, Bath & Beyond. We get there and he says first thing, “I don’t know why we are here. I was just going to go to Walmart to get a shower curtain and shower stuff.”  This coupled with his childish behavior for not making it home in time to attend his rave sent me over the edge.

Normally I am private when I’m in a store. I talk soft because I don’t want others to know my business, but man, I laid into him even throwing out the “F” word every now in then, and I didn’t care who was around. We were fighting like cats and dogs and he said again he still didn’t know why we were there.  I explained again. So we decide to go look at wall art..don’t ask me how I didn’t just leave, but I went to the wall art section and just stood there with my arms folded, disgusted. If he thought I’d help him pick out art, he was crazy.

We just left.

In the moment, I was pissed, irritated, and hyper sensitive.  Looking back, I was embarrassed by how I was acting and it didn’t help that I was called the B word.

It was just a bad weekend, but a learning moment. Argument was with new boyfriend so we’ve learned to communicate better (he keeps plans in his head) and I’ve learned to bite my tongue, try to control the anger and rage, and walk away.  That is easier said than done. So, I’m asking all girls out there – can PMS symptoms be controlled?  Is PMDD an on and off thing?

In the end, I realized that the things we were arguing about weren’t even worth it.  I think I was more upset about the break down of communication and how much of an antagonizer he was being. Our fighting styles didn’t match up. I’ve never butt heads with someone like this before and I’m concerned this might be an ongoing thing. If so, I have to re-evaluate this relationship.  When things are good – they are really good. When things are bad, they are really bad. I’ve never been in this situation before so not sure if this is normal or not. I know it isn’t normal for me.

Only time will tell.

None via Kathy on Pinterest

The Hunt

Went to Chicago with a boy. We went over the weekend.

A boy who is very thoughtful, sweet, caring, loving, attentive, and did I mention sweet? He’s the one I reference in here – the one that is smitten and in love.  I’ve been dragging my feet with this one so that I could guard my heart, but also so I wouldn’t just jump right into another relationship. Well it has happened – I’m smitten too.  Darn him – he’s created this smitten monster.

He brings me flowers, sends me flowers to work, cooks me dinner, gives me a massage practically every time he sees me, plays with my hair for hours on end, massages my feet, gets me tons of glasses of water while enjoying our favorite movie at home, opens my car doors, assures me that he loves and cares about me, and on and on and on.

Was talking to a co-worker today and she reminded me how lucky I am.  Her hubby had one item on his list to get her for Easter – a chocolate bunny.  Not too much to ask from a very pregnant woman, right?  He forgot.  When I asked her what he ended up getting her – she said that he didn’t get her anything. Really?  Your wife is pregnant and you don’t get her anything for Easter? She assured me he was in the doghouse – and rightfully so.

After she told me that, it got me thinking…. Wow, I’ve got a wonderful person in my life. I mean, I knew he was wonderful, but I haven’t been giving him my all at all. I’ve been holding back, dating around, guarding my heart all while trying to be honest with him about my intentions.

Perhaps it is time to stop the guarding, let the walls down, stop dating others and give this man my all.  Perhaps what I’ve been searching for has been right in front of my face this entire time, but I was too scared to see it.  I’m still holding out though for that right moment…as if there is a right moment to finally get it and make that decision to become exclusive. I have a feeling this moment will be coming sooner rather than later.

Anyways, the reason for the post (I almost forgot) was I woke up Easter Morning and Mr. Smitten told me he had a surprise for me. He would tell me later. Me, a little kid at heart not wanting to wait for later, suggested he tell me now. He asked what I wanted to do for the day… I said a few things all while reaching for my glasses on the night stand. Right when I reached I saw a plastic Easter Egg behind the lamp. So, the last thing I added about today’s agenda was that I wanted to hunt for Easter Eggs knowing that he knew that I knew.

Mr. Smitten had hidden Easter Eggs around the hotel room while I was sleeping so that I could wake up and go hunting on Easter. 1, 2, 3… (all together now) Awwwww!  We were walking through Walmart one day and he asked me what I liked most about Easter. I recounted a time when I was little where we’d hunt for Easter Eggs then make whoever hid them hide them over and over again b/c we just couldn’t get enough of finding them.  He remembered that and hid eggs for me.

In each egg were colored Sugar Babies.  He couldn’t find chocolate or jelly beans at the last minute in Chicago so he bought colored Sugar Babies.  There were 24 eggs to find and it took me awhile, but I found all 24. He said he wished he would have taken a picture of me hunting them because I was so cute.

In that moment I felt so childlike and it brought me back to the good ole days of hunting eggs with my broseph. We’d fight over who’d find the golden egg first.  There was a silver egg too, but there was a prestige that came with being the first to find the golden egg. I missed those days. Mr. Smitten heard it in my story and went out to recreate that just for lil ole me.  Luckily for him, I didn’t ask him to hide them again and again.

Ahhhh… Smitten indeed!

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…it gets me everytime

“Rolling in the Deep” by Adele – this song gets me every time.  I love it because its about a break up. Its raw. It says everything I feel about my recent break up. I love it

The lyrics that feel like a punch in the gut go like this…

“You had my heart inside your hand…and you played it to the beat.”  Hearing that…singing that… guts me like a spoon.

As I was preparing for bed last night, I turned the radio on knowing (yes, seriously) that this song would be playing soon. Call it a strange intuition. I turned the radio on and sure enough the current song was ending and here comes “Rolling in the Deep.”  I don’t know how I knew it would be on, just did.

I stopped everything I was doing and belted out the words that I knew. Not very keen on the verse lyrics, but I sure know the chorus.  By the end of it, I was in tears.  Like I said, I felt gutted. I felt like she took the words that only my heart and soul bare and made them into a song.

This song isn’t your typical “I had love, I lost it” type song. It is more about revenge in a sense, about seeing the guy for who he truly is, and thinking about what they could have had.

As I listen, I think about what could have been, what was, and what will never be.

Signed,

Gutted

When “sorry” isn’t enough

Saw a friend out walking with her husband. Husband saw me, smiled, then turned to his wife and said something. Wife keeps facing forward trying to walk as fast as she can to get away with husband on her arm. Wondering what’s wrong I texted her, told her that I missed her and we should have lunch.

Silence

Posted on her Facebook wall saying about the same thing.

Silence

I sent her a private Facebook message asking what was wrong and asked if it was because I was a bad friend (not around, didn’t make time) when her husband was away on military assignment. I made no excuses only that I was trying to get my life in order and I was obsessed with dating. It was the truth after all.  I told her that I was very sorry for being a bad friend and that if that wasn’t the reason, that she should tell me. I apologized again, asked if I could take her to lunch, and signed off.

Silence

I’ve seen her on Twitter. I’ve seen her post on Facebook. I know she had to get my messages. Yet, I’m sitting here wondering what in the world I did to make her so upset and also what it was that was so horrible to end a friendship over. I’m baffled. I’m confused. I’m hurt.

So, is it time to cut my losses and not dwell?  I mean, I don’t feel I need to beg. I apologized. I reached our several times. What more can I do? I’ve never lost a friend like this – where I didn’t know why and where the other person doesn’t give any inkling as to why.  So, I’m quite confused in how to take this or handle it.

I guess in the end I did everything I knew how to do to try to repair the relationship.  Guess it’s time to move on and walk away…. *sigh*

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Missing

Lots of thoughts running through my head.  It’s been about 3 and a half months since my breakup so I should be fine, right?  For the most part I am.  I’m dating. I have amazing friends. Great family.  Awesome job. I have so many blessings, and I count them everyday.

Lately though, I’ve been missing my ex. I want to reach out to him to let him know that I miss him.  For the past 2 days, I’ve been praying about the idea of reaching out to him. I don’t have any clear answers whether I should or should not. I heard that if you get a weak moment and want to reach out, you should text your friends instead.  That’s what I did this morning and here are the responses I got:

“That’s a bad idea!!”

“Missing him is normal. But I don’t think he treated u the best n texting him is not good b cause u will never be able to move on.  U r strong n u can move on n find someone who will treat u as u deserve. Love u.”

“OMG it would be like a drunk dial. Don’t do it.”

“Its a f**** horrible idea. Hes a dick and a player. I’ll come kick u ******** if u text him.”

Don’t you just love my girls?  They set me straight…for now.

In my first post, I mentioned I was dating and there was one that was a little more serious than others. A conflict arose last night that made me question if seeing him was in my best interest. I just know that how him and I interact doesn’t even compare to how “J” and I interacted.  This new guy and I butt heads and it causes me to question if we are indeed a good match. I hate being unsure. I guess the only thing I have right now is my faith, family, and friends to lean on. Surely God won’t steer me wrong.

In the meantime, you’ll find me praying and texting friends instead…hoping for guidance, answers, and the ability to move on.  I will keep telling myself what the picture below says… because surely that’s truly the case. I miss the idea of him more than I miss him.  Fake believe it until you actually do believe it. A little play on “fake it til you make it.”

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